Securely attached: Attachment theory and parenting

What do you want for your child? Take a moment to answer this question for yourself. Write something down if you like. Below are some suggestions:

• Resilience

• Independence

• Self-esteem

• Empathy

• Leadership qualities

• Close friendships

• Social competence

• Academic success

• A good romantic relationship in adulthood

• Hope for the future

Now a harder question – How does what you want for your child compare to reality? On reflection, there may be ways in which you feel proud of how your child is developing into their own person. There may be other ways in which you feel concerned about your child’s trajectory. Perhaps your child is anxious with many worries, or perhaps they are often getting into trouble.

If you noted down any of the suggestions above, then you are interested in supporting your child to develop a secure attachment. Researchers have found that secure attachment predicts each of the outcomes listed above. There is convincing evidence that a child’s relationships with their caregivers shapes their development, and that children who form a secure attachment relationship with at least one caregiver benefit in many ways.

Attachment Theory

Attachment relationships are life and death for children and so the quality of these relationships have a lasting impact. John Bowlby, a twentieth century British psychiatrist, introduced the idea that early interactions between a caregiver and child are foundational to later personality development. His work focused on the child’s relational context, emphasising that relationships are necessary for the child’s survival.

Mary Ainsworth, a colleague of Bowlby’s, categorised attachment relationships as either secure or insecure. She observed that when caregivers are attuned to the child, that is they are responsive to the child’s cues, the child learns to trust other people to meet their needs and reliably show up for them. Ainsworth developed a way to measure the child’s attachment called the Strange Situation procedure. This procedure involves the child being briefly separated from their caregiver and then reunited.

When reunited with the caregiver, a securely attached child moves towards the caregiver for comfort and reassurance before resuming play. In contrast, an insecurely attached child may ignore the caregiver or not be comforted by the caregiver when reunited. The important distinction is not how distressed the child is by the separation but rather whether the child is soothed by the caregiver when they return.

Ainsworth further categorised insecure attachment into avoidant and ambivalent attachment. Mary Maine, Ainsworth’s student, categorised another insecure attachment style: disorganised attachment.

Below is a summary of the different attachment styles in children, as well as the caregiver’s behaviours that lead to children’s differing responses in the Strange Situation. For a more detailed summary of attachment theory read Chapter 2 of The Power of Showing Up by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson.

Secure

Caregiver predictably responds to the child’s cues, for example, picking up a crying baby and being interested in a child’s internal world.

Child misses their caregiver when separated, approaches them when they return, and readily returns to playing.

Attachment system neither over nor under active.

Child is trusting of their own perceptions and feels safe to explore the world

Insecure Avoidant

Caregiver is insensitive to the child’s cues, for example, attempting to settle a hungry baby to sleep or dismissing a child’s concerns.  

Caregiver does not tend to talk about the child’s subjective experience, and likely didn’t have their own emotional needs perceived or met in childhood.

Child focuses on toys to distract themselves from feeling upset when separated, and then ignores the caregiver when they return.

Attachment system is downregulated. 

Child is disconnected from their emotions and needs, and believes that other people don’t understand them.

Insecure Ambivalent

Caregiver unreliably responds to the child’s cues, for example an otherwise responsive caregiver being punitive when triggered by the child, or a caregiver becoming neglectful when affected by alcohol or other drugs.

Caregiver likely has an unresolved trauma history that impacts their ability to be a stable presence for the child.   

Child very distressed by separation and reunion phase of Strange Situation, unable to freely return to play.

Attachment system overly active.

Child is anxious and insecure, and unsure whether they can trust others  

Insecure Disorganised

Caregiver is severely unattuned, for example, family and domestic violence as well as others forms of child abuse and neglect.

The child is dependent on the caregiver and the child is frightened by the caregiver. They are both a source of protection and threat.

Caregiver likely has a significant history of unresolved developmental trauma.

Child’s response to separation and reunion difficult to interpret as the child simultaneously attempts to move towards the caregiver and away from them.

Child prone to emotional and behaviour dysregulation, and dissociation.

Child finds relationships confusing and challenging.

The Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation is an ongoing study that began in 1976 and has followed a cohort of children from before birth into adulthood. The study is a significant contribution to understanding of how early relational experiences impact adult relationships and parenting. If you would like to know more about this study, Alan Sroufe, a prominent researcher in the study, authored The Development of the Person with his colleagues that summarises many of the findings. Sroufe also featured on the podcast, Therapist Uncensored, where he reflected on his career devoted to attachment theory.

Parenting a Securely Attached Child

Reflect on your own attachment history

Adults who were securely attached to their caregivers as children and who have early experiences of being understood and recognised by attuned and responsive caregivers tend to parent securely attached children. Generally, how an adult relates to other people and how they parent is predicted by their attachment style as a child.

However, some adults who were insecurely attached children form secure attachments in their adult relationships and can be present and responsive to their children. This is called earned security because it is usually an effortful process. An effective way to support your child to form a secure attachment, particularly if you did not have caregivers who were able to show up for you or otherwise had a traumatic childhood, is to reflect on your own childhood experiences. When an adult can talk about their early experiences in a way that makes sense and can accept their experiences as part of the ongoing unfolding of their life, then they are not destined to repeat the same relational patterns.

One way to reflect on early experiences is by working through the book, Parenting from the Inside Out, written by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell. The book presents research findings and provides exercises that support greater self-understanding and therefore better parent-child relationships.

Another way to reflect on childhood attachment experiences is through individual therapy. Over time, the therapeutic relationship can become a secure attachment relationship, and therefore be a new and restorative experience of relationships. In addition, the therapist can create a space to safely reflect on painful childhood memories of misattunement and to explore early experiences.

Attune to your child’s needs

Creating a secure relationship with your child requires being attuned to the child’s internal world and repairing the inevitable ruptures in the relationship. Try to see the child for who they are and welcome their experience. Ask questions. Think about situations from their perspective. Help your child to name their feelings and understand why they are feeling that way.

Holding rigid ideas about the child can get in the way of seeing them as they are, for example, labelling the child as “the athletic one” or “like me”. Narrowly seeing the child through the lens of a diagnostic label such as ADHD can also get in the way.

However, it is not realistic nor ideal for caregivers to be attuned to the child all the time. Resilience develops through learning that relationships aren’t perfect. Edward Tronick, an American psychologist, found that parents are misattuned about two thirds of the time and that children typically have ways to cope.

Circle of Security is an evidence-based parenting program that helps caregivers to become more attuned to their children and promotes secure attachment relationships. The program supports caregivers to reflect on their capacity to support the child’s exploration and to provide comfort to the child. The program material can be worked through in a group setting or individually with a therapist.

Attachment parenting is a parenting approach that is arguably not based on attachment research. The approach is described by American paediatrician William Sears and his family in The Baby Book. Greater Good Magazine has published an insightful article on how this approach differs from evidence based strategies to support secure attachment.

Conclusion

Children who are securely attached to their caregivers are more resilient, independent, and confident. Furthermore, they experience more success in a wide variety of settings from romantic relationships to school performance. You can support your child to be securely attached by reflecting on your own childhood experiences and attuning to your child’s internal world.